The (bridal) show must go on

See that girl in the photo there? The one with the hand over her mouth? That is me, wanting to be anywhere but there.

It was one of my nightmares come true. I'm coerced on stage as part of some promotional stunt for a DJ company at a bridal show, and asked to do silly dance moves while that God awful "cha cha" song blares in the background.

And I'm trapped.

Sorry, this is just not me. And the irony of this situation is I actually can dance.

I go to sit down.

"Hey YOU!" a DJ yells, stepping in front of me. "Where are YOU going??"

"To sit down," I said. I moved to push past her. I will not cha cha, nor will I do the hip thrust gesture they have apparently moved on to.

"Oh NO you're NOT!" the DJ said, laughing. Then she and another fellow DJ extended their arms in front of me. A blockade. Forcing me to cha cha -- or whatever the hell it was they all were doing.

Is this how DJ's get business? By accosting the bride? As the cha cha song says, slide to the left. Thanks. Now let me through to choose someone else.

On stage, I stand there, looking ever so stoic. The only motionless bride-to-be as other engaged girls pushed their hips forward in accordance with the game. My bridesmaids, ever so supportive, dug for my camera and took the photo that you see.

Then there is the fashion show. The fashion show that is emceed by the same DJ's that enjoy trapping brides on stage. The DJ's who couldn't even read the cards that were given to them.

"This gown has a beautiful hand-beaded bo-dice," the DJ announced. I turned around and looked for Bo Dice, the runner-up on American Idol.

Oh, she meant bodice. Whoops.

Then there was the gown with layers of "tooley." And the dress with the "falks" fur.

Oh, someone take me away.

We decided to do our own announcing to entertain ourselves. The next model bride came out, wearing a dress covered in so many appliques it resembled a doiley. I wanted to place a teaset on it.

"This dress," my friend and bridesmaid Kim said, "comes complete with Catholic wedding and an Italian mother."

Well, that beats a bo-dice with extra falks toolee.You know, I think I'm going to find my own dress and my own vendors.

And I think I am done with the bridal shows.