Maid dishonored

I was out with bridesmaid Kim Q recently, and, on a whim, decided to walk inside David's Bridal.

For those who don't know what David's Bridal is, let me 'splain. It is a national chain offering wedding gowns, accessories, bridesmaid gowns and the like (see www.davidsbridal.com).

Depending on who you talk to, it was either a great place to go for an affordable gown or bridesmaid dresses, or a zoo where a staff of consultants barely let you slip in the door before they are on you like white on a bride.

I'm going with the latter for now.

I walked in and was promptly greeted by a woman at a large table.

"Hi! What can I help you with today?" It almost sounded musical.

"Um, I just thought I'd look at a couple of bridesmaid dresses with my friend," I said, trying not to sound too dismissive.

Didn't work.

"Ok, well if you'll just fill out this card," she said.

Why? Why is there always a CARD?

So I did -- name, address, e-mail address, telephone number -- I thought back to my first bridal expo.

"This card is just for you guys right?" I asked. "I mean, you won't give this information to anyone else right?"

The girl quickly made a mark on my card.

"Nooooo, no of course not," she said, slyly adding, "That's why I checked this box."

I quick peeked at the card. I don't remember what it said exactly, but something to the effect of "Please do not sell my name to vendors."

Wait a minute. Would this girl have checked this box had I not asked the question? I mean, she didn't start the checking until I started the asking. So if that's the case, is she not lying by acting like of course they don't give out your number, when in reality they DO give out your number UNLESS you say something?

I have a headache. Anyway, I was assigned to a consultant named Antoinette. She was good with letting Kim and I look around and figure out what we wanted. We settled on a few in the brown family. Of course, only odd sizes are on the racks. Kim managed to grab a size two in the one gown, a pretty brown A-line, whose color is really called "truffle."

Kim is a petite person, but had to suck it up to zipper the size two.

The zipper was up, and we were laughing at the effort. We could laugh, because, well, Kim was putting on a size two. Size 22, not so funny. Size two, funny.

But Antoinette didn't stop there. To explain the dress' not-so-perfect fit, she touched Kim's back -- and grabbed a flap of skin.

"This is what we call Bridal Bootie," Antoinette said with a giggle, as she grasped a small tuft of skin.

It reminded me of the way a female dog picks up her pups by the scruff of the neck.

No, seriously.

I wasn't sure what to say. I mean, what does one say when the bridal consultant grabs one of your bridesmaids' Bridal Bootie??

Since I was already taking pictures, I took a picture of Antoinette holding the Bootie. Upon Kim's insistence, I finally deleted it once we got home. The pic you see here (above, right) was taken after the incident.

"Wow, thank you," Kim said to Antoinette -- once in the parking lot and out of earshot. "Thank you for reminding me that I have back fat. Now I'm not going to eat for three days."

I'm not so sure Kim can afford to not eat for three days.

A few days later I got a post card from Antionette, saying she was glad to meet me and looks forward to working with me. I should thank her for giving one of my 'maids an unnecessary back complex.

I think I am done with David's Bridal.

So let the shopping begin. Again.