(Insert umbrella drink here)

We have booked our honeymoon. I want to leave now and never, never come back.

The destination: Secrets Excellence Resort in Riviera Maya. We leave August 13th (the day after the wedding, none of that "take a day to unwind" nonsense!) and we will be there for 7 days and 7 nights, in an all inclusive haven where we get all the drinks we can drink, and a free Sade "Lovers Live" CD.

Yes, really. I have said it before - I can't make this stuff up. More on that in a moment.

On Thursday we met with a friend of ours, Lin Weisenfeld, a travel agent at Colony Travel in Deptford. (Yup - we officially know everyone involved in our wedding - except the limo driver.) Lin knew we had Secrets on the brain for quite sometime, after I did extensive research on all-inclusives trips. I wasn't messing around.

I picked Secrets because it is new - just 16 months or so old - and a 4-star hotel. Yeah, I never go anywhere damnit, so I am getting my @ss kissed. I'll let the pictures do the talking.

So here is what we receive with the "Honeymoon Eternity package" we chose:

• Champagne on arrival
• Fresh flowers and exotic fruit basket in room upon arrival
• A breakfast in bed served the first morning after arrival
• Aurum Couples Treatment: Experience the ultimate relaxation, with an aromatic full body massage, followed by a reflex thermal foot treatment that will renew your skin with a marine mint exfoliation and will relieve your feet with a distressing mask, and ending with a facial and scalp pressure massage. Duration: 50 minutes
• Private, beachfront dinner one evening – upon return from dinner you will find a romantic rose petal bath ready for you with essential oils and candles
• Petits Fours each evening at turn down service
• One complimentary Lovers Live CD by Sade

Ed paused for a moment.

"Sade?" he asked.

"Yes," Lin replied.

"I love Sade!" I said. Ed rolled his eyes. Men.